My dreams used to be what kept me going. No matter how I was feeling, good or bad, I always held on to my dreams. They kept me moving forward. It didn't matter what was wrong with me; bad day, hurt ankle, heartbroken, depressed, I was always waiting for the next day. One day closer to what I really wanted. The good days were good, but I knew they would be better. My highs were high, but somehow not high enough. I dreamed big. Well, at least at the time it was big. Looking back now, how big were those dreams? What meant the world to me 5 years ago, I shrug off now as trivial. And once one dream came true, I'd move on to the next, like a kid moving from one present to another under the Christmas tree. And this worked fine for a while. I fought through the hard days, enjoyed the good ones, and waited. I waited somehow knowing that my dreams were coming. I knew that one day I was going to do everything I had imagined. But now somethings changed. I can't even really say what happened exactly. Reality check, emotional baggage pilling up and leaving me under some sort of depressive stage... Either way, I'm not sure what drives me right now. What's my motivation? What am I dreaming of?
A month ago I was doing alright. Maybe it all started at that Healing Seminar when I realized I have a lot of ignored hurt that I need to deal with. It could be reading this book "Emotions Revealed" and me getting more in tune with how I'm actually feeling on the inside. Honestly, it could be from watching so much HOUSE and somehow connecting with him and how he feels; seeing myself in his character. No matter what it is, I've started to question a lot of things. But even after all my questions and angry fits about who knows what, I know that even though my head is in the clouds my feet are on the Rock. So, that's good. I have my foundation but now I need to figure everything else out. Everything else isn't so easy. Everything else isn't simple.
I'm not as simple as I may seem. No one is. I hide behind my well practiced smile and throw parades to hide my sin. (I take that back... My smiles' not that good.) But who doesn't? Are we all hiding from something? I know I am. I've needed a heart check up for the past 5 years but I chose to ignore the broken parts and hope in that old phrase "time will heal everything". Man, do I disagree with that one. I know people, much older than me, who've held on to past hurts for decades and it's killing them. Time is not only NOT helping it's making things worse. I've been trying to go at it alone for only a little while now and it's already hurting. There's a difference between a 15 year old kid who's sad cause a girl made him cry and a 20 year old man who struggles with sadness and depression because he never dealt with the heartache. The first one is called "life". The second is a "problem".
Life is hard sometimes. We've all got it rough in way or another. If it's not one thing it's something else. But how we handle the situations that happen to us in our daily lives directly determines our future. We can't ignore the problem. We can't pretend it'll be okay. Will it be okay? You leave the milk out too long on the counter, is it just going to be okay? You leave a broken arm out of a cast, is that arm going to heal? No! Steps need to be taken towards a solution. No solution isn't a solution. But how many times do we do that? How many times have I done that? I've left the milk out for a long time and now I want a bowl of cereal. Problem is, the milk is making me sick. Really sick. I can't just take the milk out of me and be done with it. No, I have to throw up. Who likes throwing up?
We can't have a good cry at a church service or in our car or with a group of friends and magically the hurt goes away. Facing the issue head on, I'm learning, is the only way to overcome. I don't want my future to messy because I was lazy and didn't deal with my problems. I don't want my wife to suffer because I go through one of my episodes of depression. I don't want my kids to suffer because 'daddy didn't smile today'. God, I need help.
And at the risk of sounding too 'emo' here, let me say that I am okay. Kind of... I mean, I am dealing with a few things on my plate now. But mentally, physically, spirituality, emotionally (well, maybe not so much the latter. Hence, the current blog post) I'm doing fine. This is just me dealing with it all. This is me not ignoring what's been sleeping in my heart. This is me bringing the fire to what's inside of me and letting the impurities arise; shinning light into the darkness. It's not supposed to happy. Purifying the heart isn't fun. But either it happens now or it doesn't happen at all. I'm done with this. This will be my bitter-sweet kiss goodbye. "Bitter" from what it takes to overcome this. "Sweet" for it being gone. Would it have been better to never have to go through this? Well, yeah. Who wants this? I'd rather blame any and everything else than have to face it myself. I can blame friends, blame God, but in the end it all comes back to me. But I know that this isn't the end. (Here comes the bit of positive) No, this isn't the end of the story. I can and will grow from this. I will become stronger from it. This has slowed me down but it won't stop me. I'm too stubborn to have my 'emotional baggage' have the last word. If there's one thing I'm holding onto now it's that God really does work all things together for my good. Cause boy oh boy, I could use some good.
